Perception

Human perception is a weird and wonderful thing. There's a joke that goes:

1st Girl: You know Brad?
2nd Girl: The fireman?
1st Girl: Yeah! I caught him outside the house in his car - with a pair of binoculars the other day - he said he didn't know how to come and say hello.
2nd Girl: That's so sweet! Are you going out?
1st Girl: Totally! *pause* Y'know Tim, that geek from accounts I went on that date with texted me again last night as well.
2nd Girl: Eww. Total Stalker.

And it's funny because it's true. The difference between someone being a Total Stalker and someone's Soul Mate is almost entirely in the control of the adored, and not in any way in the control of the adorer. Tough luck for those suffering unrequited love. You can never win if they're just not that into you. This applies to all facets of human emotion of course, but it's love that polarises us most. Given this what most people don't realise is that the real art of seduction isn't so much what you do, as how the other person perceives what you do. Now when you see dating tips they usually don't acknowledge this, but the tips they give actually help the situation. In fact women love confident men, to the point where if they can't get confident their next preference is arrogant - presumably they're thinking: "If this dickhead thinks he's so great, maybe he is and I'm missing it."

In this situation the confident/arrogant guy is controlling perception to a degree - probably unconsciously - because if someone has no doubts about themselves then half of the social anxiety has already gone. Guys - you know those rich short fat guys with hot women? Hate to break it to you - but when those women declare their love for the lil' guys they're probably being honest. Lil' guy might seem to be half the man you are, but he KNOWS he's twice the man you are and sees no reason not to let others know it. Doh.

Of course this all applies everywhere, professionally, with loathing, loving, trusting, partnerships and friendships. Remember being 5? Remember people ordering you to be their best friend? And you denying someone best friend status, because
you already had a best friend (Hey Jack!)? 5 year olds don't really get it yet - if you say a relationship is a certain way then it is - why complicate it? Betrayal and viciousness teach us to stop trying to dictate relationships eventually so
that's all gone by about 8 or 9, but do we ever learn the lesson we should have learnt?

I think I have a pretty good relationship with my wife. But I can't be sure - I can only go from our interactions and her reality isn't mine - so to speak. But we talk a lot, and complain to each other - even about each other. And sure we fight now and then - but that's a good thing. If nobody is really invested in the relationship there's no reason to fight, really - there's no terms to negotiate when nothing you have the other wants. So we fight, we make peace, we jockey for position in our relationship - unwittingly and unconciously most of the time, but we do it nonetheless. This month she has the advantage, the next month it's mine. Who does the dog love most? What's my role? Why does she do that thing where she tells me to decide what we're doing, but means decide what she wants us to do? Because I'm pretty sure she doesn't *really* want her ass kicking on COD:MW2 or SF4 and I'm not idiotically optimistic enough suggest it. Though I don't see why this means I should watch Britains Next Top Shoemaker or whatever either. So we fight, and we negotiate and we compromise, and I go and play PS3, but somehow finish up *listening* to Britains Next Top Shoemaker and occasionally tell her that those thigh-highs are horrific during those damn unskippable cut-scenes (Seriously WTF? Screw your Artistic Integrity - I'm just trying to shoot shit here, Mr Game Designer). And we get to go another day in our makeshift togetherness. And occassionally, just occassionally, Britains Next Top Shoemaker is actually Glee or Lie To Me, and I love it and we find another connection. And very very occasionally that SF4 is Wii Sports, or that COD:MW2 is Singstar, and not only do we find another connection but it was my connection! Found by me! I made us that little bit stronger! Yay us! And me, obviously. :)
And now and then we get to sit down, and really talk, and see how each other have changed, and change our opinions of each other a little and learn something new and have our assumptions shaken a little. And this acts as nice little reminder that
the easiest mistake to make with any relationship is to regard it as a known, settled thing and disregard it or think it doesn't need a little TLC now and then. Now how much TLC is a point of much dispute, and for this there's no easy answer.
Me and the wife have very different approaches to this, so this one we're never going to agree on. But really, it seems like it's sometimes worth paying attention to the real lesson we should have learned at 6 or 7. You can't control the world, learn to go with it. I cannot guarantee reciprocity of emotion which leaves me with two options:

1) I can try to be empathetic, listen and consider things from another point of view to guess at what people really think and then if I'm brutally honest with myself and can see my own failings, then maybe, just maybe I can change that relationship.
or
2) I can believe exactly what I'm told explicitly and be blasé about absolutely everything else. Que sera sera.

I'd love to say it's all about 1) and I'm heading to sainthood, but really, if I'm honest, it's all about the 2) and who gives a crap where I'm heading...

--TechTonic