NNT:JE:Prologue:001:01

New New Testament: Jesus Edition : Prologue:001:01

DISCLAIMER: This is silliness and a joke. If you don't like irreverent humour DO NOT PASS GO, DO NOT COLLECT 200 POUNDS and DO NOT TELL ME I'M GOING TO HELL.

So I just realised I'm a prophet. I mean it makes total sense. the Old Testament was around a few thousand years, then there was the New Testament, and it's BEEN a few thousand years. So we must be due a New book soon, and then there's the voices in my head. I mean sure sometimes they're just rattling on about Infinite Monkeys, how likely I am to get to the pub this weekend, how best to abuse the Elemental Beta (It's going well guys, keep it up!) and how to wind up the wife in new and interesting ways. But sometimes in all that noise - it's clearly the voice of Jesus. Well he says he is Jesus, and the core tenet of any religion is faith right? So if I have faith that he's Jesus and I'm a prophet, then I'm a prophet, right? Anyone? Tell you what I'll let you speak to the big man himself and you can decide...

PROLOGUE: 0001 :001

Right, before we start, let's clear a few things up. If you're expecting thee's and thou's and begetting it's not going to happen. The Word is useless unless it's in a form that people can understand. I mean the differences between the New and the Old Testament are obvious, and we've always like the episodic format, what with the many books in one approach. I mean really, the Bible's like a lot of Dickens' work. Serialized initially and then aggregated for ease of publishing later. With this in mind the Blog format is a perfect modern version of this approach. And later when we've finished the New New Testament: Jesus Edition, we may even roll it into a book format and sell a few copies so my prophet can profit a bit. It's only fair because at the moment the only thing I'm giving him in return for the dispensing of my celestial wisdom is mild paranoia and conflicted feelings about kittens.
Another thing is what's this obsession with my second coming? The thing that annoys me about that is how innumerate are you people? Second Coming? Are you kidding me? Did you miss that whole back from the dead thing? They killed me in the most painful way imaginable - and I was very very very dead. Then I raise from the dead all healed and glowing holy like I was one of those Daddamn X-men - and you don't even count that as a Second Coming? It's just rude. In view of this, until you get the point I'll be signing off as JC3, because this is my THIRD coming.
Alright? The other thing is, given the way attention spans have changed the New New Testament: Jesus Edition (Okay NNT:JE from here on out - JC3) isn't going to attempt to be an ongoing narrative. We'll bust out a few parables and maybe a psalm or two, but mostly I'll just be holding forth on our new vision for Christians (a lot changes in a couple of thousand years) and clarifying our position on a few things people have misunderstood. I'm excited about how this is going to go. Can't wait to start blessing you little bastards. Peace out.
--JC3


Wow. That was exhausting. And I don't know what he means about Kittens, they're evil incarnate - vicious, cruel creatures THAT I LOVE WITH ALL MY SOUL.

DAMNNIT Stop doing that JC.

That's JC3.

Whatever. I'm stopping typing now...

-TechTonic